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| Gratefulvw - due to popular demand (and feeds being down) here is the full conversation between Rachel and Ragan this morning, 9:30 am |
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#13938759 2:21PM 30/07/2010 |
Rachel is laying in her HOH looking sad due to the fight she and Brendon just had. Feed cuts out to Bren and Ragan whispering in the kit. Bren apparently asked Ragan to go talk to Rach cuz Ragan is pointing and asks "Is she up stairs?", and Bren says "yeah"
Rag: I think that once we play the competition
Bren (interrupts): Yeah I know but I was thinking what if we play the competition and somehow Kristin wins it...it'll start the whole thing over again.
Ragan: Yeah
Bren: I mean, she keeps thinking like, she keeps saying, we are going to have a target, she is getting in a freaky negative mode and it is getting to her
Ragan: Yeah, I will go talk to her (walks away)
Bren: K
Ragan walks up the stairs and glances over the railing to see possibly who is down there, while he is walking the hallway. he rings the HOH doorbell, waits a second and walks through the door
Ragan (in the just woke up voice): Hello? Hi! (walks in the door and crawls in bed with Rachel) You gotta get out of it
Rach: Get out of what?
Ragan: You gotta get out of it, you gotta be happy
Rach: pfttt
Ragan: You do
Rach: I want to be (cue the tears)I want to be happy.....I feel like......I just really like.....feel (takes a deep breath in)....like everyone is against me (cue more tears (although there are no tears on her face), talking it a whiny, pity me voice) like I win stuff and I fight so hard to be here, you see me, every POV, I am first, second, or third, every HOH I am like right there (deep breath in) and I just feel like the more I fight the more people hate me.
Rag: Why do you feel like people hate you?
Rach (voice really high pitched, more pity in voice, trembling voice through the tears): I don't know, like the more I keep fighting and I think I am going to go on the block and go home (sniff)
Ragan: No but why, what makes you think that people hate you?
Rach: I don't know Brendon said that I am just mean and everyone thinks that I am bitch and (big breath in) and like my best friend (gestures towards the door) and he like, I feel like he just doesn't get it. He is just being so like mean (deep breath in) He is just being so (deep breath in and dramatic pause) fake. He is like this is a social game and you need to act a certain way and (cue crying voice) like don't tell me what to do like I am fighting so hard to keep me, and him, (deep breath) and the ppl that we are friends with here. (Big sniffle and rubs her hands to her eyes like she is rubbing away tears, although I have not seen an actual tear)
Ragan (tired, weary voice): I know, Rachel I don't think (Rach sniffles)I dont' think that, for instance, the conversation last night, it's not about like, it's not about like berating you or telling you wrong, wrong, wrong, it's just trying to get you as much on the right track as possible, you know what I mean?
Rachel is sitting indian style on the bed with one fist holding up her face, the other hand playing with the stuff dog she got. She is making an I'm miserable face and sniffling a lot. She nods her head when Ragan ask do you know what I mean
Ragan:That is all, that is all it's about
Rach (still voice quivering): and I get that ragan but like, (sigh) I feel like there is a very obvious person that is like, attacking me and (voice was getting stronger when she was saying this but now starts to tremble again) Brendon, who is suppose to be my best friend is....like....not sticking up for me he is being like be nice, be nice, be nice (she is hitting her hands together every time she says nice to emphasis the point)
Ragan: but he is sticking up for you (Rachel clears her noise) this is not (rach lets big sigh out) You gotta understand rach sticking up for you in this house....means something totally different than sticking up for you in the real world. It's like sticking up for you in the real world is like if you see (thinks for a moment) if you see somebody, like, do something to somebody that you care about...you are automatically like BAM! But in this situation, in this house when you do stuff like that gets you in trouble, so that is like, this isn't like
Rach (interrupts): I mean I wouldnt' want him to be mean or anything like that,but by the same token, he doesnt' have to be like (in a chipper voice) Hey, I made coffee! Can I pour you a cup? like...(throughs hands up and sighs) and then come up stairs and be like (voice gets whiny again) get mad at meeeee.....I just don't, I just, I just don't understand what he is thinking and he's like (voice gets deeper to imitate him) There is no reason why we should have to worry about going on the block next week, you won HOH and blah, blah, blah, and I am like Yeah but...No matter what, these things make us a bigger target ad he's like (imitating again) Well that is bullsh*t, that shouldn't make you a bigger target and I am like They do though! you have to admit, the more you fight and win things like, the more people like are like (begins to hit her fist into other hand for emphasis again, and can't finish her thought just make a noise as she repeatly hits her fist to hand)
Rag: yeah, but the nicer you are....and the more gracious you are...that is all good stuff. And that is something that holds inside and outside of the house, you know what I mean (rachel nodding) and the more positive you are, I think the better off you are (she is still nodding) It's It's so much about what I was saying yesterday. Do you allow yourself to fall down a rat hole of negativity because the more you do that the harder it is to claw your way out and the worse it gets. You have to...
Rachel (interrupts, voice is now back to the trembling, I could break down any second voice: I never get sad (voice gets really high, again very whiny and pity me voice, but no actual tears) In the real world I am like the most happiest, energetic person ever (big breath in) the most optimistic personnnnnnn, like I'm the nicest personnnnn, like I never (big breath in) get in arguments with ppl, I never like, but I just feel (voice breaking more now, "whoa is me "voice): I just feel certain ppl...don't...I feel like if I don't win these things (big breath) that me and the ppl I care about are going to get taken advantage of and get taken out...
Ragan (laying on his side, but now rolling to back, hand going onto forehead): i think that Rachel, you have (rachel big sniffle with sigh) you have to be (big sniffle again) right now you have to be, you have a negative headspace, and you are upset, and you are angry (big sniffle) you have too, sometimes when you are in that place...
Rachel interrupts in a meek, poor me voice: I am not angry (sniffle) I even told Kristin I want to (ok...this whole time rachel's head has been down, looking at the toy dog that she is playing with in her hands but when she says the name Kristin, she looks up and at the camera that is over one of the HOH chairs. Her eyes linger there until she is finished her sentence, and she looks away) That I want to talk to her. (voice now over emotional, cue more tears, more pity me voice) Like I am trying, I am trying really hard (big sniffle, trembling voice) Like i am trying every aspect that I can (big sniffle) and it's just so hard Ragan, because (long, dramatic pause, head goes up and eyes look left to right, ending just past the hoh camera, but big sniffle right when eyes are on that camera) it's like, I should be excited that I won I should be excited to share these moments with people that I care about, people like you and Brendon.....and I just feel like....
(Important to note, Ragan is now more awake and his voice is stronger now. He is not emotional in the least)
Ragan: Did you talk Kristin?
RAchel: No! (Her voice complete breaks here and sounds as though she is going to break down sobbing, but again, no tears) because she won't talk to me! I asked her (huge breath in, appears to be sobbing, but I can't see any tears) I tried to apologize (sniffle, sniffle) and she won't talk to me (as she said that last piece, she hung her head and her voice sounded like a balloon deflating)
brief pause, voice still quivering but stronger....And that is fine.....but like (she stops and appears to be crying and hangs her head. Important to note that she has been sounding like this for more than a minute and has not wiped her eyes or her nose once, nor can I see actual tears)
Ragan (regular voice):And that is fine (Rachel does a big sob in and few little sobs out), ragan does not seem phased) I think by tomorrow, if nothing else happens today..like go into this competition, this is a unique competition today (rachel starting to finally calm down, has still not wiped her face) again, famous last words...(rachel laughs and says right in her regular voice, finally wipes her eyes a bit and look right at camera while doing so then looks immediately back down) and no one gets punished (rachel looking sad again, sniffling again) look at that as an oppertunity to cheer everyone on, to be awesome, to be a cheerleader for other ppl, kinda like you were during this past surf competiton, you know what I mean? (rachel nods, has sad face on again)
Rachel: I just feel like I need (her eyes look right to HOH camera as she says "especially now") I need especially now, I need brendon to be like (big sniffle, sound like cuing tears again) supportive and like it's going to be okay, don't worry about it, like you are doing your best , you are working so hard, I am so proud of you (voice on verge of tears again, but all of sudden becomes forceful) but now he is the opposite, not he is like you got to be on top of it, get it together and be nice, go down there and be nice, go talk to everyone, I am like (voice goes back to trembling, quivering) I like can't, I don't need that right now, Like I need a friend (cue big time trembling) to be like (big breath) a friend and to be like (big breath, looks straight at hoh camera)It's okay, I am so proud of you, you are working your hardest, you are doing a good job (face back down looking at hands, big sniffle) like good jo...like good for you like and it's just, it's like he is just not (long pause) doing it and like, I just I just don't knowwwww (big sniffle) and that just makes it ten times harderrrrr (little sniffle) I feel like (big breath) I feel like I have been pushed up against the wall, like my back up to the wall and I am just trying to fight (eyes to camera on word fight, then look away on word like) Like I am just trying to fight so that ppl that I care about know that we are safe and I am not jsut talking about brendon (big breath) but ppl like me, you, brendon (big sniffle) matttt knows he is safe this week, you know? ppl that we care about know that we are safe and we are fighting (again, eyes to camera on the word fight) for us and then I feel like I am becoming a villian (slight laugh)
Ragan (again, no sympathy in voice,in fact voice a little stronger): i don't think you are a villan, look a lot of this is, as simplistic as this sounds, i really think is between how men and women communicate. (rachel nods) It's like men are very goal orienated, problem solving, instrumental in how the communicate with ppl and women are more emotional and then need to like what you are doing right now, you just need to talk (rachel laughs, nods, and says yeah) you just need to talk about what is upsetting you right? So what happens is, when you and brendon are talking abou this, you just need to get it off your chest, and have a good cry and to get it out, to purge. And brendon is thinking...okay, here is the problem you are communicating, here is how I see solving the problem and you are like, I don't want to hear about solving the problem, I jsut want to talk about it ! So it's kind like, men are from mars women are from venus, you are talking two completely different languages right now, and it is not right or wrong thing, it's just different ways of communicating. And so, I don't think, I don't want you to read it as him not being supportive or him not understanding....it's just, you kind of need to have your moment, and have him hear that...you know what I mean? Without it being a , I don't ned anybody telling me a solution to the problem, right now i just need to...
Rach: to like vent (eyes to camera on word vent) and let me be upset and let me talk it out and like I am not crazy, I am actually a very logical person but I fought so hard (eyes to camera on the word fought) I don't even know how many emotions yesterday, but when I won that stupid competition...I know I was like excited and then I was crying and then I was like excited and then I was like I dont' even know what happened. I mean....(starts laughing, looks at camera)
Ragan: It was like, it was like bigger than an orgasm
Rach: a competition orgasm! (laughing)
Ragan: right
Rach: but like...that is going to be the new word for like the whole rest of the like ....season 32 is going to call it competition orgasm's like....
Ragan: I think you like, have to get some of these emotions out and like once you do that...and I do think that this competition is going to be good for everyone after today because it will give us all an opportunity to support one another , rather than you...especially you and brendon.
bubbles on feed, so didn't get to catch the end of that sentence. Again, sorry for any spelling errors. And this was a dramatic conversation for Rachel so that is why I tried to include so many deep breathes and sighs. Nothing is fabricated, just tried to convey how she was acting a little bit better. And if you watch the feed, you will notice all of the camera glances...comes back at...
RAch: well I don't know...it's just taht
RAgan:I will do all that I can to mend that bridge this week. Because y'all can be like (start to stutter) er, um, eh, You can all compete against each other in a competition, but it does not have to turn into what it did yesterday. And even if, I mean, I don't know. I would just talk to her, Iwould just talk to her, like seriously what is going on in your mind, but if you talk to her just make sure that it is definatley not going to go to a bad place.Like you have the were with all to make sure that things stay on track. That is can't be like, any accusations hurled, it can't be like any of that
Rach: It just has to be facts and logic right?
Ragan: yes, and it can't get like, it can't get like ppl like you and matt tend to get very caught up in the details of the situation, I believe the saying is that you can't see the forest through the trees. Um sometimes, here is a statement that, Idon't know when it occurred to me, but it has stuck with me for the past five or six years. Sometimes it is more important to be kind, than it is to be right. And if you get too caught up in being right, espcially with things that don't really matter, it takes you no where. Like if you really listen to ppl that are really going at it and really, big arguments,really big blow ups with each other, they get...like, do you watch Real Housewives of New York?
Rach: yeah
Ragan:Ok, did you watch this last season?
Rach: yeah, so good
Ragan: Yeah, so when Jill Zherin, like the reason why (he sits up now) the reason why everyone is team Bethenny, I can't believe that I am using them as a reference here, the reason why everyone is team Bethenny is because throughout the season Bethenny was like, none of this stuff matters! It's like she one'd up, she tried to mend the bridge, and she didn't want to get caught up in the details like look, I don't want to fight with you, this is not what this is about and it seemed like it was coming from a genuine place and Jill was like, I can't have this conversation with you, I have a list, I didn't bring...you know how when ppl get angry and they make a list? It's like, if you get that boogled down in the details you are being petty, it doesn't take you anywhere, it's really not what is important and you have to think, and when i say what is important I am not even talking game, I am talking about connections with ppl, ppl fight all the time and it can't be about Well, this happened, this is the exact wording of what was said, and sometimes ppl say sh*t and it comes out the wrong way and it was not what they were intending, so give ppl the benefit of the doubt, you know what I mean?
Rach: uh hmmmm, and I think you are right I think hopefully after this competiton like and I get a chance to like, we do get to compete for a luxury or whatever, who knows what it is goig to be , but we can hash things out in our brains maybe...Kristin won't be as mad, I won't be as mad, I don't know but yeah, it's such a bittersweet victory, being up here anyways
Ragan: right, and this is also, just an FYI, cuz the first thing I did after I ate breakfast was go back to bed, it is a weird morning. Not just because of all the drama that happened last night but also cuz this is the earliest we have been woken up and everybody went to bed, pretty late last nigh. So nobody got a lot of sleep, so I don't want you to think that, like, I mean i can only speak for myself obviously, but I don't think that anybody is avoiding you
Rach (wiping her eye and sniffing) NO!! I don't think that I just think everybody is tired, right like zombies and I really appreciate your friendship in this Ragan and I don't know what I would do with, without you in this game like (they begin to hug) I love you so much and like having you here is like having a dictionary, a logical therapist, like everything! and like, I don't know, I don't know what I would do without you here
Ragan: well, I have made references to how I didn't have an adolescence when most ppl did I was so, you know, stunted in my twenties and I learned everything that I learned kinda through trial and error, in terms of like, how to get control of my emotions, um and one of the reasons why out of all my siblings I am really only close to my sister is because with some of my upper siblings that I used to be close iwth I was such an emotional, God he keeps getting called in there a lot (BB just called for Hayden into the DR) I was such an emotional, like I wear my heart on my sleeve as it is, but I could not control my emotions so like I had to kinda develop strats in my twenties to say ok, this is how I am feeling....but this is where it gets me if I communicate HOW I am feeling so.....but it is hard when you are in those moments, when the adreline is pumping and things get out of control. Like you not even realizing how much you said F yesterday....you just get caught up in the moment
Rach: In the moment literally, yeah like I could not tell you anything that was said during that competition like I can't tell you the riddles, anything!
Ragan: I can't remember the rhyme when I went up
Rach: right, me neither
Ragan the only rhyme I can remember is the one like practice one we were given
Rach: right, that is the one and the one I remember the very last one and the only reason I remember that is Julie said something about flying high above something...I was like flying flying what were we....
feed cuts to kathy and kris hugging
Br |
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